What I thought would be the next best day of my life

First, I would like to thank everyone who takes the time to read this. I didn't start this blog looking for pity, I just needed a place for my brain to vomit all of my thoughts and emotions, without giving me writer cramps. I truly hope that my story can help others who feel alone, going through this same exact, or similar situation. If you would like to share my story, please do. But again, thank you.


The day had finally came! I was going to get to see my baby for the first time. I was full of emotions. Excited, nervous, and everything in between. We arrived on time, well almost. Checked in and had a seat. We only had to wait for maybe 5 minutes before we were seen. The nurse took us back to our room, then around to get my weight. (yuck) She said to me "Aren't you a new patient?" I told her yes, and she smiled and said "Well that was quick!". I am glad I was able to get pregnant within weeks of my first appointment with them. I felt very lucky. After out little chat at the scale, we went back to the room so I could strip down for the ultrasound. Matt was there with me, I could tell he was anxious. The nurse came back in, as well as the doctor. She wasn't my normal doctor, but she was the one on call for the holidays. She went over my chart, and asked me questions about the pregnancy. I told her I hadn't been sick, no pain, no bleeding, and that everything seemed to be going pretty well. She told me that my TSH (thyroid) was a little higher than what they like to see in pregnancy. It fell in the normal range at 3.5, but they like to see it at around 2.5 for pregnancy, so she discussed medication to help regulate it and get it down to that level. I'm not usually a fan of taking medicine, but if she deemed it necessary then I would do it for the health of my child. Once we were finished with all the medical talk it was time to do what we came for. Lets see this baby!

The nurse put in the wand, not the most pleasant thing, but you gotta do what you gotta do, right? I have had several ultrasounds in the past for various reasons, and I always would ask questions so I could better understand what I was seeing. So on the screen, I see my uterus, but don't see the baby right away. Odd...maybe it is hiding. Then she moves the wand over a little, and finally I see the little black hole in the white of everything, but I see two dark masses, and freak out asking if that was what I thought it was. At the same time I was asking, she moved back to the uterus, empty, I was hoping the baby had just decided to make its home up in the corner of my uterus. Both the nurse and doctor hadn't said a word. I felt the doom sinking in, I knew something wasn't right. They were back on the baby taking measurements, and said "there's the heartbeat". Then said they were going to have to schedule emergency surgery because the baby was in my tube. My heart sank. Matt was asking me if the surgery was to move the baby to the right place....I wish, I truly wish they could. I then told him as I started to tear up, that we were losing the baby. That they can't just move it, and that it can't stay because it was life threatening to me. Both the nurse and the doctor were surprised I had felt no pain, and had no bleeding at all. The doctor told me that I was probably within hours of rupturing, and told me how lucky I was that they had caught this when they did, because it could have ended badly. They left the room to allow me to get dressed, but I was not allowed to the leave the building. As soon as they were out the door, I lost it. So many things happening at once. All I came for was to see my baby, and see its heartbeat and to be happy. Well I got the first two, then was told in the same 5 minutes that they had to kill my baby. I've also never had surgery before, so I was very nervous about that. I could have died today if I didn't have this appointment. My blood pressure is normally low, and was only at 98/56 that morning, so if it did rupture and I did bleed out it would only take minutes for my blood pressure to drop and for me to go into shock. What if I would have been driving? I could have wrecked my car and possibly harmed other people in the process. This isn't fair! Why me?! I have waited so long for this and now it is literally going to be ripped out of me. My brain was on overload, and my eyes would not stop crying. This is literally the worst day of my life. And I will always remember December 28, 2012, as just that.

Once we finally exited the exam room, they took us into one of their office like rooms and told us that would be home base until they had to move us over into surgery. The questions began again. "Do you know your blood type?" No. "Have you eaten anything today, if so, when?" On the way there I ate a pathetic excuse for a breakfast burrito, about the size of two funsize candybars. (It was fairly tasty though.) And I had a few sips of chocolate milk. So they told my my surgery wouldn't be until 2:30 or 3. Really?!?! Its only 10am....I am stuck in this room for 4 hours at least?! Matt went outside to make a phone call, and I went to get blood work. I felt horrible for the lady taking my blood because I was balling my eyes out, and trying my best to sit still for her. I then joined Matt outside to make some phone calls myself. I had to call Sue to let her know I wouldn't be coming in for up to two weeks, and apologized to her. I also had to cancel my massage. I would definitely rather be getting my massage at 2, than emergency surgery to abort my pregnancy. I called my parents to let them know what was going on, and my Dad and his wife came up there to be there for Matt and I. After the phone calls were done, I hugged Matt and cried a while, then finally went back to our room. We sat there and talked, but mostly cried. I felt so bad for Matt, he didn't quite understand why things had to be the way they were, but then again neither did I. It was like we got robbed.

It was nearing noon, and Matt was getting hungry, so I told him to go ahead and go somewhere to eat before the surgery so he didn't starve. He hesitated, but finally went. The nurse told him that they close at noon so that when he got back I would be over in the surgery waiting room, so they took him over there so he knew where to find me. I kissed him and told him I would see him soon. The nurse then directed me through the back way to the surgery center, and I sat down to fill out paper work. Crying the entire time, I filled out the papers. I was so nervous about surgery, but at the same time was more upset knowing that it was getting closer to me no longer being pregnant. I finished the paper work, and she put my bracelet on me and sent me out to the waiting room. I asked her how long she thought it would be, and she told me that they were most likely waiting on me to be done with her. I told her I was going to step out to call my husband to let him know that they were ready for me already. Sure enough, while I was on the phone, the nurse came out to get me. Fortunately, Matt had just pulled up, so we waited for him to come in before we went back.

Once we went back, it was strange. One big open room with a nurses station in the middle, and pull around curtains were your wall. She took me to my bed and had me leave my stuff with Matt, and led me to the restroom to change into my gown and socks. After I was done, I went back and laid in the bed. I was freezing, but I think it was because of my nerves. She brought me a warm blanket, and doubled me up. She then hooked up my blood pressure cuff, and put a big sticky thing on my back for when I was in surgery. It took them 3 tries to get my IV in. Apparently my veins like to take wild curves. After that was hooked up, she gave me medicine to calm me down, and to also help with the anesthesia. The medicine made me sleepy. My parents and Matt sat back there with me while I was in and out of sleep. Matt was asking all sorts of questions to assure I was well taken care of, and tried to tell me what to expect, but I didn't want to hear it, I was nervous enough. I know he was just trying to help though. That is why I love him. The time had finally come, they came and got me and rolled me back to surgery. I cried the entire way, I was no longer nervous, but this meant I had to say goodbye to my dream, and goodbye to my little bean. Fucking horrible!! I would never wish this on anyone, not a single soul. We got to the big sterile room, and they had me move over to the table. I was in a daze, still crying. They then started to wrap my arms in foam, and securing them close to my body. The anesthesiologist was giving me oxygen, telling me to focus on my breathing before they knocked me out through my IV. I closed my eyes, and prayed to my Grandpa, and my Jamie to watch over me and to greet my baby, and then I was out.

Finally around 5pm, I snapped out of the delirium. My husband and parents were there to greet me. I felt ok, but that's probably because I was drugged out of my mind. My husband explained to me what the doctor had said..he even had pictures of my insides. He told me that my liver looked great, my appendix looked great. My ovaries and uterus looked great. There was blood building on top of my uterus, and my uterus was also full of fluid. There was a picture of the bean, and it was surrounded by blood. They all kept telling me how fortunate that I was for catching this, and how close it was to turning bad. Then the bad news came. Both of my fallopian tubes are bad. The coloration is bad, and they are both full of scar tissue. The doctor said that if I were to do another IUI, the chances were higher than 90% that it would be another tubal pregnancy, but that I was a prime candidate for IVF. Devastating. I mean great, I still have another option, but it is further out of reach financially than the IUI, I mean we are going from just hundreds of dollars, to over 10 THOUSAND dollars. That is a lot of dough to come up with. And even then, IVF isn't a guarantee. Then I also learn that I have B negative blood, so that had to give me a shot that would protect future pregnancies. I never knew that having a negative blood type, if your baby has a positive blood type, you body will try to fight it off like the foreign object it is. This day has been full of so many things, My brain was ready to explode, and my heart was shattered into a million pieces. I never want to relive this ever again...Where do I go from here?