The next morning I woke up, took this stupid thyroid medicine they put me on around 7:30am. I have to take it in the morning because it is supposed to be taken on an empty stomach, and I am not allowed to take any medicine until after 4 hours of taking it. Ugh! I wasn't in horrible pain, but started to get tender by the time I could take the pain medicine. My bestfriend, Whitney, had called and was going to bring me lunch, so I waited a little longer to take my medicine, that way I would have food to take with it. She showed up with some mexican food, flowers, and chocolate. After over 15 years of friendship, she knows the way to my heart. She crawled in bed with me, and offered to feed my my burrito. I love her so! I forced myself to sit up through the pain, and fed myself. It was good to see her, she has always been my solid ground in life, my sanity. She is definitely my hetero soul mate. We talked about everything that had happened, and how I was feeling. I was doing ok. Mentally, I think I was still in a fog, and my brain still hadn't had a chance to process everything. Whitney finally had to leave after a few hours of hanging out, so that left my brain to do what it does best. Once it was dark, the emotions kicked in, and I just laid in bed crying my eyes out. All the emotions from the day before were coming back. I wanted so badly to still be pregnant, and to just find out my baby was healthy. I was hoping this was all just a horrible nightmare, and I would wake up soon. But I knew it wasn't. I decided that I wanted to take a shower, and maybe that would clear my head a little.
Turns out, I just sat in the shower and cried. How do I have this many tears?! I got out, and spent some time with Matt, then decided I needed to take my medicine, and go to bed. More tears came, and I cried myself to sleep. This was hell. I was up on and off through out the night. I had to develop a special method of rolling out of bed so it didn't feel like my belly button was going to rip in half. So late night potty breaks weren't my favorite. The next day I stayed in bed all day, I think that is when I decided to start blogging, because I knew I needed a place to get my feelings out. I also talked to another friend from high school about her IVF experience, and she was more than happy to send me information, and answer all of my questions. I decided, with the way the first night went, post partum was going to be a bitch once my hormones started dropping. I needed to think of ways to not let the depression grab hold and take control. This is just the start, and it's only going to get worse, before it gets better. So my ideas to conquer this were to blog, plan my IVF to keep my mind focused on having a child someday, and once I am healed I am going to start going to the gym to take care of myself physically, and to use it as an outlet for my anger and sadness.
The next few nights went the same, once it got dark, the tears started flowing. I would have some days that I felt better than others, and still do at this point. Some days I have random breakdowns, but they are becoming few and far in between. Wednesday, I had an appointment with my therapist. She is an amazing woman. I know that going to her will help me keep my head straight too. It was depressing to tell her I lost the baby, but good to have to tell me to cry as much as I needed to, and that there was no shame in it. I knew that, but it always feels good to be validated.
Tonight I wanted to end this with a quote a friend sent me. She read it in a blog, and wanted to share it with me, and it is a good way to sum up everything.
"Life is brutal. But it's also beautiful. Brutiful, I call it. Life's brutal and beautiful are woven together so tightly that they can't be separated. Reject the brutal, reject the beauty. So now I embrace both, and I live well, and hard, and real."
No comments:
Post a Comment