Operation Baby..Fundraisers!

Today marks one week until my first appointment with the OU reproductive center!!! I am so excited, and so nervous at the same time. I am still waiting to find out if my insurance will cover this appointment. Keeping my fingers crossed, but if not...we will get it worked out!

I am glad to say I have been feeling more like my normal self, slight anger issues aside. (ha!) Hopefully this was the last week for getting my blood drawn for my HCG. I have to keep checking it until it gets below 5.  My husband also gave an ever so sweet baby "bean" memorial tattoo today! I must say I never imagined that I would ever get a tattoo of a bean, but hey, shit happens. I love it, and love that I will always have my lost bean with me.

I don't have much exciting news, but some information on fundraisers that I have brewing. 

Starting February 1st (compliments of the amazing Lindsey Sagerty!), I will be having an online or pouch Scentsy Party! Also, Grace Adele and Velada products will be available! You can order through me, or online. If you live out of town, or state, they will be shipped directly to you. If you have never purchased Scentsy, you are definitely missing out! Smells soooo good! I will be creating an event closer to the first of the month, so if you are wanting to order anything, keep your eyes peeled for the invite.

Also, hopefully in the works will be a quatermania. I have never been to one but hear they are a blast! Chances to bid on, and win several fancy packages from different vendors. Once, I know more I will post all of the details.

Last, but not least...I know it is January, but once nicer weather greets us once again, I want to have a garage sale. So if any of you amazing people find anything you want to get rid of in your spring cleaning, I am your gal! If you want to donate your stuff, I will gladly pick it up from you so you don't even have to hassle with the hauling! You can comment on the blog, or message me on facebook if you have anything you want to get rid of.

I'm sorry this post wasn't as entertaining, but thank you to every single one of you who have read these posts, and offered any emotional support during this time. It will be a long road, but I am determined to reach my goal of August! 7 months and counting!

Restoring the faith?

Today was my post-op appointment with the fertility clinic. I was supposed to be there at 9:30am..but guess what time I woke up?! 9:30 of course! So I called them, and they were able to see me at 11:00am. (whew!) I wasn't quite sure what to expect, but I imagined it would be checking my incisions, and what not. Well, not exactly. I just got sat in an office in the back. The nurse took my blood pressure, asked me how I was feeling, and if I was still bleeding. I told her I was doing alright, just felt anxious being there again, and seeing all the faces I saw when I found out the news. She told me they were all sad for me and wished me luck on my adventure. Next the Doc came in, he was very matter of fact about everything. Basically, he just gave me the statistics of ectopic pregnancies. Ectopic pregnancies are the number one cause of pregnancy related deaths. If you have one, you are at a 10-12% higher risk of it happening again. That most tubal pregnancies, the baby doesn't develop, and I was in the lower number of those whose baby was growing, and did have a heart beat while inside the tube. He also proceeded to tell me, that there was still statistically a 90% chance that I could eventually have a viable intrauterine pregnancy. I then explained to him that the other doctor who did my surgery told my family and husband that both of my tubes were severely scarred, and that I would have better chances moving on to IVF. By the look he gave me, I had an idea on what was coming. He told me that wasn't true, that I should wait a couple of months and then proceed with the IUI's because they were less costly, and time consuming, etc. Then, told me a story of a patient he had received a Christmas card from. She had a picture of her baby in it. This woman, suffered not one, not just two, but FIVE(!!!) tubal pregnancies before she conceived her first successful one. She even lost a tube in the process. I don't know if this was supposed to be an uplifting, keep the faith kind of story, but my goodness...5??? I give the woman much respect for surviving that many. The whole time I was thinking to myself..."I don't even think I could mentally handle one more. Five?! How the hell did this woman keep her faith? How did she keep her sanity? I am having a hard enough time dealing with this one, I am scared to even try another IUI cycle.".  On that note, I did not share that I made an appointment with the OU Center for Reproductive Medicine. I wasn't in the mood to hear someone possibly try to talk me out of it. We reached the end of out appointment, and he walked me to the nurses station to get a few lab orders to do my HCG weekly until my levels hit 0 again. He did say that he was impressed that they dropped from over 27,000, to 1,665 in just 5 days. (Hopefully, this means my craziness will soon come to an end!) 

I sat and spoke to the nurses for a few minutes. They are all nice ladies. The main nurse printed me copies of all my blood work they have received so I can take them with me to Oklahoma. They all wished me luck, I thanked them, and left. Once I got to my car, I called Matt to tell him how my appointment went. I told him what Dr. T had said about trying IUI again, but told him that I would much rather wait until fall, and save up all the money for IVF than to risk another tubal pregnancy doing IUI. I felt like if we did chance the IUI, and it was tubal, then we had to pay out of pocket for the surgery, plus take the risk of it rupturing.  I just couldn't bring myself to do that, plus in the end if that did happen, I would be disappointed in myself for taking that money out of my IVF fund. He agreed, especially because with the IVF we know the embryos are being placed in my uterus, so as long as they implant, we will have a successful pregnancy. (Plus, I am kind of excited at the fact I could have 2 babies with IVF.) Which sounds crazy, maybe, but I'm not getting any younger, and I would be happy with 2 children of my own. My goal is to do the IVF in August of this year, to hopefully help me cope with the fact that was the month I was supposed to be having my baby. We have to come up with roughly $13,000 to be able to cover everything from the fertility meds, to the egg retrieval, to the embryo transfer. I have faith that we can save the money in the amount of time we have, and also have friends willing to help me do some fundraising to reach my dream of motherhood.

Overall, my mental state is better than it was a week ago. I still get teary eyed every now and again, but not as much as I was. I am keeping myself focused on the goal, and keeping my head held high. I know I will never fully get over my loss, and even though I was only two months into my pregnancy, that was my baby. My first baby at that. I will forever have a hole in my heart because of this, but I know it isn't the end. I am blessed to have a husband who supports me through all of this, and even though he has never had to go through any of this before, he is willing to do whatever he can so we can have a family together. I am blessed to have a family who loves, and supports the both of us. I am blessed to have amazing friends, who are willing to do anything they can to help me raise money to meet my goal, and who also give me moral support. I am thankful I am self employed, and I work with someone who is understanding of everything. I am thankful Matt's boss allows him to be there for me through all of this even though he doesn't quite understand all of this. Thank you to everyone who has been there for us through this. I look forward to sharing my journey with you all!

Diving head first into what was to come...

We left the surgery place a little past 5pm. I was still in a daze from all the anesthesia and the events of the day, but I was starving. So Matt took me to chipotle, went in and got the food for me like the sweet man he is. Once he got back into the car he handed me the biggest orange soda possible. Oh my goodness...it was the most delicious thing ever! Maybe because my mouth tasted like plastic from the tube they put down my throat during surgery, but I was in orange soda heaven. From there we went to Walgreens to get my scripts filled, I sat in the car because Matt didn't want me walking. He called me from inside to ask me a question and to tell my one of my long time friends who is like a brother to me said hi. I decided to venture out, I needed a hug. I wanted to feel some sense of "normal" instead of feeling like I couldn't do anything. After only waiting about 15 minutes, we got my scripts and headed home. I was still starving, and ready to devour my chipotle...so I did just that. It made my day a little bit better, but not much. Matt came in a gave me my pain medicine, and then I passed out for the night.

The next morning I woke up, took this stupid thyroid medicine they put me on around 7:30am. I have to take it in the morning because it is supposed to be taken on an empty stomach, and I am not allowed to take any medicine until after 4 hours of taking it. Ugh! I wasn't in horrible pain, but started to get tender by the time I could take the pain medicine. My bestfriend, Whitney, had called and was going to bring me lunch, so I waited a little longer to take my medicine, that way I would have food to take with it. She showed up with some mexican food, flowers, and chocolate. After over 15 years of friendship, she knows the way to my heart. She crawled in bed with me, and offered to feed my my burrito. I love her so! I forced myself to sit up through the pain, and fed myself. It was good to see her, she has always been my solid ground in life, my sanity. She is definitely my hetero soul mate. We talked about everything that had happened, and how I was feeling. I was doing ok. Mentally, I think I was still in a fog, and my brain still hadn't had a chance to process everything. Whitney finally had to leave after a few hours of hanging out, so that left my brain to do what it does best. Once it was dark, the emotions kicked in, and I just laid in bed crying my eyes out. All the emotions from the day before were coming back. I wanted so badly to still be pregnant, and to just find out my baby was healthy. I was hoping this was all just a horrible nightmare, and I would wake up soon. But I knew it wasn't. I decided that I wanted to take a shower, and maybe that would clear my head a little.

Turns out, I just sat in the shower and cried. How do I have this many tears?! I got out, and spent some time with Matt, then decided I needed to take my medicine, and go to bed. More tears came, and I cried myself to sleep. This was hell. I was up on and off through out the night. I had to develop a special method of rolling out of bed so it didn't feel like my belly button was going to rip in half. So late night potty breaks weren't my favorite. The next day I stayed in bed all day, I think that is when I decided to start blogging, because I knew I needed a place to get my feelings out. I also talked to another friend from high school about her IVF experience, and she was more than happy to send me information, and answer all of my questions. I decided, with the way the first night went, post partum was going to be a bitch once my hormones started dropping. I needed to think of ways to not let the depression grab hold and take control. This is just the start, and it's only going to get worse, before it gets better. So my ideas to conquer this were to blog, plan my IVF to keep my mind focused on having a child someday, and once I am healed I am going to start going to the gym to take care of myself physically, and to use it as an outlet for my anger and sadness.

The next few nights went the same, once it got dark, the tears started flowing. I would have some days that I felt better than others, and still do at this point. Some days I have random breakdowns, but they are becoming few and far in between. Wednesday, I had an appointment with my therapist. She is an amazing woman. I know that going to her will help me keep my head straight too. It was depressing to tell her I lost the baby, but good to have to tell me to cry as much as I needed to, and that there was no shame in it. I knew that, but it always feels good to be validated.

Tonight I wanted to end this with a quote a friend sent me. She read it in a blog, and wanted to share it with me, and it is a good way to sum up everything.

"Life is brutal. But it's also beautiful. Brutiful, I call it. Life's brutal and beautiful are woven together so tightly that they can't be separated. Reject the brutal, reject the beauty. So now I embrace both, and I live well, and hard, and real."

What I thought would be the next best day of my life

First, I would like to thank everyone who takes the time to read this. I didn't start this blog looking for pity, I just needed a place for my brain to vomit all of my thoughts and emotions, without giving me writer cramps. I truly hope that my story can help others who feel alone, going through this same exact, or similar situation. If you would like to share my story, please do. But again, thank you.


The day had finally came! I was going to get to see my baby for the first time. I was full of emotions. Excited, nervous, and everything in between. We arrived on time, well almost. Checked in and had a seat. We only had to wait for maybe 5 minutes before we were seen. The nurse took us back to our room, then around to get my weight. (yuck) She said to me "Aren't you a new patient?" I told her yes, and she smiled and said "Well that was quick!". I am glad I was able to get pregnant within weeks of my first appointment with them. I felt very lucky. After out little chat at the scale, we went back to the room so I could strip down for the ultrasound. Matt was there with me, I could tell he was anxious. The nurse came back in, as well as the doctor. She wasn't my normal doctor, but she was the one on call for the holidays. She went over my chart, and asked me questions about the pregnancy. I told her I hadn't been sick, no pain, no bleeding, and that everything seemed to be going pretty well. She told me that my TSH (thyroid) was a little higher than what they like to see in pregnancy. It fell in the normal range at 3.5, but they like to see it at around 2.5 for pregnancy, so she discussed medication to help regulate it and get it down to that level. I'm not usually a fan of taking medicine, but if she deemed it necessary then I would do it for the health of my child. Once we were finished with all the medical talk it was time to do what we came for. Lets see this baby!

The nurse put in the wand, not the most pleasant thing, but you gotta do what you gotta do, right? I have had several ultrasounds in the past for various reasons, and I always would ask questions so I could better understand what I was seeing. So on the screen, I see my uterus, but don't see the baby right away. Odd...maybe it is hiding. Then she moves the wand over a little, and finally I see the little black hole in the white of everything, but I see two dark masses, and freak out asking if that was what I thought it was. At the same time I was asking, she moved back to the uterus, empty, I was hoping the baby had just decided to make its home up in the corner of my uterus. Both the nurse and doctor hadn't said a word. I felt the doom sinking in, I knew something wasn't right. They were back on the baby taking measurements, and said "there's the heartbeat". Then said they were going to have to schedule emergency surgery because the baby was in my tube. My heart sank. Matt was asking me if the surgery was to move the baby to the right place....I wish, I truly wish they could. I then told him as I started to tear up, that we were losing the baby. That they can't just move it, and that it can't stay because it was life threatening to me. Both the nurse and the doctor were surprised I had felt no pain, and had no bleeding at all. The doctor told me that I was probably within hours of rupturing, and told me how lucky I was that they had caught this when they did, because it could have ended badly. They left the room to allow me to get dressed, but I was not allowed to the leave the building. As soon as they were out the door, I lost it. So many things happening at once. All I came for was to see my baby, and see its heartbeat and to be happy. Well I got the first two, then was told in the same 5 minutes that they had to kill my baby. I've also never had surgery before, so I was very nervous about that. I could have died today if I didn't have this appointment. My blood pressure is normally low, and was only at 98/56 that morning, so if it did rupture and I did bleed out it would only take minutes for my blood pressure to drop and for me to go into shock. What if I would have been driving? I could have wrecked my car and possibly harmed other people in the process. This isn't fair! Why me?! I have waited so long for this and now it is literally going to be ripped out of me. My brain was on overload, and my eyes would not stop crying. This is literally the worst day of my life. And I will always remember December 28, 2012, as just that.

Once we finally exited the exam room, they took us into one of their office like rooms and told us that would be home base until they had to move us over into surgery. The questions began again. "Do you know your blood type?" No. "Have you eaten anything today, if so, when?" On the way there I ate a pathetic excuse for a breakfast burrito, about the size of two funsize candybars. (It was fairly tasty though.) And I had a few sips of chocolate milk. So they told my my surgery wouldn't be until 2:30 or 3. Really?!?! Its only 10am....I am stuck in this room for 4 hours at least?! Matt went outside to make a phone call, and I went to get blood work. I felt horrible for the lady taking my blood because I was balling my eyes out, and trying my best to sit still for her. I then joined Matt outside to make some phone calls myself. I had to call Sue to let her know I wouldn't be coming in for up to two weeks, and apologized to her. I also had to cancel my massage. I would definitely rather be getting my massage at 2, than emergency surgery to abort my pregnancy. I called my parents to let them know what was going on, and my Dad and his wife came up there to be there for Matt and I. After the phone calls were done, I hugged Matt and cried a while, then finally went back to our room. We sat there and talked, but mostly cried. I felt so bad for Matt, he didn't quite understand why things had to be the way they were, but then again neither did I. It was like we got robbed.

It was nearing noon, and Matt was getting hungry, so I told him to go ahead and go somewhere to eat before the surgery so he didn't starve. He hesitated, but finally went. The nurse told him that they close at noon so that when he got back I would be over in the surgery waiting room, so they took him over there so he knew where to find me. I kissed him and told him I would see him soon. The nurse then directed me through the back way to the surgery center, and I sat down to fill out paper work. Crying the entire time, I filled out the papers. I was so nervous about surgery, but at the same time was more upset knowing that it was getting closer to me no longer being pregnant. I finished the paper work, and she put my bracelet on me and sent me out to the waiting room. I asked her how long she thought it would be, and she told me that they were most likely waiting on me to be done with her. I told her I was going to step out to call my husband to let him know that they were ready for me already. Sure enough, while I was on the phone, the nurse came out to get me. Fortunately, Matt had just pulled up, so we waited for him to come in before we went back.

Once we went back, it was strange. One big open room with a nurses station in the middle, and pull around curtains were your wall. She took me to my bed and had me leave my stuff with Matt, and led me to the restroom to change into my gown and socks. After I was done, I went back and laid in the bed. I was freezing, but I think it was because of my nerves. She brought me a warm blanket, and doubled me up. She then hooked up my blood pressure cuff, and put a big sticky thing on my back for when I was in surgery. It took them 3 tries to get my IV in. Apparently my veins like to take wild curves. After that was hooked up, she gave me medicine to calm me down, and to also help with the anesthesia. The medicine made me sleepy. My parents and Matt sat back there with me while I was in and out of sleep. Matt was asking all sorts of questions to assure I was well taken care of, and tried to tell me what to expect, but I didn't want to hear it, I was nervous enough. I know he was just trying to help though. That is why I love him. The time had finally come, they came and got me and rolled me back to surgery. I cried the entire way, I was no longer nervous, but this meant I had to say goodbye to my dream, and goodbye to my little bean. Fucking horrible!! I would never wish this on anyone, not a single soul. We got to the big sterile room, and they had me move over to the table. I was in a daze, still crying. They then started to wrap my arms in foam, and securing them close to my body. The anesthesiologist was giving me oxygen, telling me to focus on my breathing before they knocked me out through my IV. I closed my eyes, and prayed to my Grandpa, and my Jamie to watch over me and to greet my baby, and then I was out.

Finally around 5pm, I snapped out of the delirium. My husband and parents were there to greet me. I felt ok, but that's probably because I was drugged out of my mind. My husband explained to me what the doctor had said..he even had pictures of my insides. He told me that my liver looked great, my appendix looked great. My ovaries and uterus looked great. There was blood building on top of my uterus, and my uterus was also full of fluid. There was a picture of the bean, and it was surrounded by blood. They all kept telling me how fortunate that I was for catching this, and how close it was to turning bad. Then the bad news came. Both of my fallopian tubes are bad. The coloration is bad, and they are both full of scar tissue. The doctor said that if I were to do another IUI, the chances were higher than 90% that it would be another tubal pregnancy, but that I was a prime candidate for IVF. Devastating. I mean great, I still have another option, but it is further out of reach financially than the IUI, I mean we are going from just hundreds of dollars, to over 10 THOUSAND dollars. That is a lot of dough to come up with. And even then, IVF isn't a guarantee. Then I also learn that I have B negative blood, so that had to give me a shot that would protect future pregnancies. I never knew that having a negative blood type, if your baby has a positive blood type, you body will try to fight it off like the foreign object it is. This day has been full of so many things, My brain was ready to explode, and my heart was shattered into a million pieces. I never want to relive this ever again...Where do I go from here?

It isn't a dream! It is real!

When I got in my car that morning to drive to the chiropractor, the first thing I did was call the fertility clinic to tell them I got a positive test.  The nurse congratulated me and emailed me lab orders to get my HCG blood test done to confirm and let them know the level of the hormone. As soon as I finished my morning job I drove straight to my doctors office to do the lab work. I was hoping I would get somewhat instant gratification and that they would be able to tell me my numbers that day. Unfortunately, for my patience, my doctor ships all their blood work to a lab in Kansas City, so I would have to wait until the next day. The fertility clinic called me first thing the next morning to let me know my HCG level was at 15, and that anything above 5 was a confirmed pregnancy. I was sent more lab orders to go back 2 days later to do the test again to make sure the number was doubling properly. I didn't really know much about HCG and how it worked or what exactly the numbers meant "medically". I did as ordered, and again the day after I did the lab the nurse called to tell me they had gone up to 45. Yay! They doubled, well more than doubled, but I was worried the number was low. Being the curious person I am, and with the convenience of Google, I read up on HCG, and normal levels at different times of pregnancy. I fell in the normal category, so I felt at ease. Plus, both of those tests were done before my period was even due, so I was kind of at an advantage being able to know I was pregnant that soon. Besides, if there was something wrong, surely the nurse would take action and let me know. My next lab work was scheduled for a week out. So that following Thursday, I went in again for more blood to be drawn. I felt like I was going to be sucked dry at the rate I was going. I waited patiently for the call on Friday but never got it. I was a little irked, and cursed the fact that my doctor just had to send the blood work to KC because it would be totally inconvenient to work with a lab in Wichita. Ugh! So on Monday, I finally got the call! My numbers were up to 1504! Holy crap! Good jump! I was expecting her to tell me that I had to go back again in a week to check them again, but instead she scheduled my first ultrasound! I was totally excited that I would get to see my little bean for the first time, and I would be able to see it's heartbeat on the monitor as well. Proof, visual proof! I was creating a life inside me and it was the most indescribable feeling I have ever experienced in my life. I knew it would be the second longest 2 week wait of my life.

Through out this whole period of blood work and more blood work. I spent my off time dreaming about what my baby would look like. Boy or Girl? I want a girl, because they are fun to dress and you can polish their miniature toes. But I would be happy with either. Beggars can't be choosers after all, right? I was excited, for the first time in my life, about getting fat! I couldn't wait to look pregnant. It's something I had always dreamed about. I hoped I would have a cute baby belly, instead of blowing up like a blimp. I dreamed about the entire experience. Watching the baby grow, feeling it move for the first time, hearing it's heartbeat, doing the sweet 4-d ultrasound, decorating the nursery, and just everything that comes with having a baby. It was all so surreal, but soon, very soon, I would get to see what was really going on in my body. I talked with my mom and sister one night. They both talked about their experiences being pregnant, and how neither one of them ever got sick. They both started showing early. My sister said she started showing decently well at 8 weeks. 8 weeks?!? That was 2 weeks away for me...it really might happen fast. She showed me pictures of her first ultrasound. She was 7 weeks and 2 days along, and my little nugget was even adorable then! I was going to be 7 weeks and 1 day at my ultrasound, so I was excited thinking my bean would look that good on the screen too!

In the coming days, we celebrated Christmas, which was exciting for me because it meant I was only 3 days away from my ultrasound appointment. This pregnancy was already the best gift I could have ever received. The ultrasound would just be the icing on the cake!

Beginning the two week wait.

Day 1: It was the day after Thanksgiving. I woke up around 4:30am and hit the road by 5. I was making a trip to Illinois to see my family for the weekend. It had been a long 5 1/2 years since I had gone to visit. Several years too long if you ask me. I finally arrived around 3:30pm. It felt so good to not be in a car anymore!! I wasn't too open about all the fertility stuff except for with family and close friends, so they all knew my story and what I had gone through the day before. I forgot what it was like to be back in Henry. Seeing family all the time, big home cooked meals, and just hanging out and talking...stuff I don't necessarily do on a regular basis here at home. I went to visit my Grandpa's resting place.( His funeral, unfortunately, was the last time I made the trip to Illinois.) It was strange to see all of my cousins, who were just starting their teens then, are now young men. Talk about feeling old! I was sad to go, but it was a great few days.

I got home Monday evening around 10pm. To my surprise, my husband had cleaned the house...I was blown away! I had missed him, so it was nice to get to sleep next to him that night. All I could think about was hoping that this procedure took, and that I was going to have a little bean growing soon. All day, and all night, it consumed my mind. I couldn't believe that after all this time, I was so close to my dream coming true. Only a couple weeks away from knowing, and the anticipation was killer. I was focusing on every twinge, cramp, craving..basically anything I thought was different with my body. I was OBSESSED! I even bought a 5 pack of pregnancy tests because I knew I wouldn't be able to hold out the entire 14 days. I tested super early, at like 9 days after to make sure I got a negative. The negative would assure me that the shot I got was out of my system. And then after that I couldn't stop. I took another test at 10 days, then skipped 11. I wasn't going to test on day 12, but then decided what the hell, I have more tests...so I peed on the stick, and decided to brush my teeth while I was waiting on the little window to tell me the results. My heart sank, in a shocked, super stoked, this can't be real way, when I looked down and the test said PREGNANT!!!!! Oh my god!! I could not believe it, I had to double look and pinch myself a couple times. I am pregnant! It took!! I'm not broken after all! I went to share the news with my husband, Matt. He was sleeping and I woke him up. He was excited, but still half asleep. Ha, Poor guy. I let him go back to sleep, and left to drive to the chiropractor. I had only been gone maybe 15 minutes and I get a call from Matt. This time is was stoked! He has finally woke up, and it finally hit him. He wanted to tell everyone! I told him that we needed to wait. I had to do blood work to confirm, and of course they always say to wait until the first trimester was over to make sure you were in the safe zone. We agreed to tell our parents, and close friends who knew about the entire journey. Everyone was excited! It was so hard to not announce it to the world, but I knew we should play it safe. Needless to say, December 4, 2012 was one of the best days of my life. :) My dream had finally become reality.